Three Powerful Questions to Ask When You Overreact
My client received some negative feedback from her boss. They have been working together for years and enjoy a solid relationship, characterized by mutual respect and admiration. The reproof was mild. Nevertheless, she felt it like a blow. A week later, she still could not let it go, so she brought it up during our coaching session.
When you have a reaction that is out of proportion to the offense, it’s a sign that a painful memory has been triggered. There’s nothing pathological about memories being triggered. It happens all the time, in fact.
Why?
Because the brain is a prediction machine. It does not say, “What’s this?” It says, “What’s this like?” and prepares the body to fight the old fight, not the current one.
Predicting is more efficient than reacting, but it’s not always accurate. It was time to update my client’s conflict program!
I asked her to close her eyes and revisit this distressing moment with her boss. Then I asked her a series of questions to help her update her programming.
“How old do you feel?” Coaching does not delve into the past, but it’s helpful to know where a reaction is coming from. My client felt adolescent, which was a time when she felt overpowered by authority figures in her life. It was deeply painful not to have their approval and to be forced to conform.
“How is this relationship different from that one?” Although her boss is an authority figure, this question immediately right sized him in my client’s imagination. He is not the juggernaut of institutional authorities that she faced in her tender youth. In fact, he has been one of her most ardent supporters.
“How are you different now?” I saw my client sit up straighter at that question! She grew up in an instant. No longer a dependent child, she restored herself in her own imagination to the mature, capable woman she is now. She immediately felt her own authority.
Those three questions updated her conflict program by disentangling the past from the present. I asked her next to close her eyes once more and revisit the moment she was criticized by her boss. What’s different?
“I’m a little nervous, but not nearly what I was before. I’m more relaxed in my body. I tell him I see where he’s coming from, and just tell him where I’m coming from. It’s just kind of neutral – a disagreement, not a conflict anymore.”
The next time you find yourself overreacting – or if someone points out that you are – ask yourself these questions to update your own program.
